1.) The leading edge of your ice scrapper is so dull it has its own show on C-SPAN.
2.) You keep telling yourself the layer of dirt on the side of your car or truck is a protective coating.
3.) You watched every movie on Netflix. Twice.
4.) You don’t think wearing shorts, flip-flops, and a winter coat in public looks stupid.
5.) Woodland critters have been seen licking the front stoop to your house because of all the rock salt you used on it this winter.
6.) The amount you owe the energy company is greater than your mortgage payment.
7.) A half dozen (or more) mittens and gloves sit alone in a pile in the back of your closet because somehow you lost their mate this winter.
8.) The floor of your car or truck is littered with so many empty bottles of Heet antifreeze your mom thinks you may have opened a meth lab.
9.) You turn off the TV news before you hear the weather forecast because you “just can’t take it any more.”
10.) You used up the last stick of Burt’s Bees from that economy size package you bought from Costco in September.
11.) You can see yourself killing the next person who says, “Cold enough for ya?”
12.) You become manic whenever the temperature is above freezing.
13.) You rejoice upon seeing the first robin, only to burst into tears moments later when you realize it was only a common thrush instead.
14.) You have worn out three ice scrapers, two sets of windshield wipers, and a shovel so far this winter.
15.) You would seriously consider sacrificing a goat to the Greek god of snow if you thought it would end winter any sooner.
16.) You no longer refer to snow by its proper name. You now call it “white shit.”
17.) You grimace when you walk past the Easter and garden seed displays at Walmart, which have been up since Valentine’s Day.
18.) You look the other way when you near the bathroom scale because you know all of the chocolate crème frappuccinos you consumed this winter easily added 20 or 30 pounds to your waistline.
19.) All of the new garden seed catalogs that arrived in the mail have already been used for kindling.
20.) You promise to never complain about being hot ever again.
21.) You replaced the belt on your clothes dryer because all winter long you have been using it to warm your pajamas every night before you go to bed.
22.) Your mailbox is a crumpled mess because it has been hit so many times by the snow plow.
23.) You actually look forward to dealing with all of the dog poop in your front yard, which will soon be exposed when snow begins to melt.
24.) You are on a first-name basis with all of the pizza delivery boys because you deemed this winter too snowy and cold to dine out.
25.) Only Congress has a worse favorability rating than your local weather man.
26.) The war over the thermostat in your house, which began back in September, is now ancient history.
27.) You have seriously considered assassinating Punxsutawney Phil.
28.) You now panic when gas gauge needle approaches E because you fear stepping outside of your vehicle to fill it up with gas.
29.) The only reason you smile in yet another snow storm is because you know there are people who had their flights canceled who were headed somewhere sunny and warm for vacation.
30.) You look forward to spring cleaning.